Creating Deeper Connection
Do you and your partner find that your little fights can turn into big blow-ups? Often times couples fix one problem only to find they feel like they are having the same fight over and over. This is common and partners feel exhausted, angry, sad and distant from their partner. You may feel this way too; that you are often misunderstood and arguing over unimportant issues. EFCT or Emotion Focused Couples Therapy helps couples feel like they can trust again and know that their partner will be there for them.
The goals is to create deeper bonds so that each partner feels closer and develops more trust. Below is a model used to help people understand why they do what they do in relationships. There are four basic “attachment styles” which refer to how we bond.
1. Secure- This means we feel safe and secure with our partner. We believe they will be available to us and emotionally present when we need them.
2. Preoccupied- This means we want to be there for our partner but we are scared that our partner will reject us if we need them.
3. Fearful Avoidant- This means we want to be close to our partner but we get scared and push them away.
4. Dismissing Avoidant- This means we do not trust our partner and we do not trust ourselves, so we choose to avoid closeness.
Below are some statements that may be worth reflecting on if your relationship is in distress.
1. I’m afraid that I will lose my partner’s love.
2. I often worry that my partner will not want to stay with me.
3. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me.
4. I worry that romantic partners won’t care about me as much as I care about them.
5. I often wish that my partner’s feelings for me were as strong as my feelings for him or her.
6. I worry a lot about my relationships.
7. When my partner is out of sight, I worry that he or she might become interested in someone else.
8. When I show my feelings for romantic partners, I’m afraid they will not feel the same about me.
9. I rarely worry about my partner leaving me.
10. My romantic partner makes me doubt myself.
11. I do not often worry about being abandoned.
12. I find that my partner(s) don’t want to get as close as I would like.
13. Sometimes romantic partners change their feelings about me for no apparent reason.
14. My desire to be very close sometimes scares people away.
15. I’m afraid that once a romantic partner gets to know me, he or she won’t like who I really am.
16. It makes me mad that I don’t get the affection and support I need from my partner.
17. I worry that I won’t measure up to other people.
18. My partner only seems to notice me when I’m angry.
19. I prefer not to show a partner how I feel deep down.
20. I feel comfortable sharing my private thoughts and feelings with my partner.
21. I find it difficult to allow myself to depend on romantic partners.
22. I am very comfortable being close to romantic partners.
23. I don’t feel comfortable opening up to romantic partners.
24. I prefer not to be too close to romantic partners.
25. I get uncomfortable when a romantic partner wants to be very close.
26. I find it relatively easy to get close to my partner.
27. It’s not difficult for me to get close to my partner.
28. I usually discuss my problems and concerns with my partner.
29. It helps to turn to my romantic partner in times of need.
30. I tell my partner just about everything.
31. I talk things over with my partner.
32. I am nervous when partners get too close to me.
33. I feel comfortable depending on romantic partners.
34. I find it easy to depend on romantic partners.
35. It’s easy for me to be affectionate with my partner.
36. My partner really understands me and my needs.